Disability and sex: What’s your view?
The BBC have published a fascinating article on disabled people and their issues surrounding sex, most notably whether it is acceptable for disabled people to visit brothels to seek a form of companionship that, due to their impairment, they might not otherwise experience.
Obviously there are moral dilemmas in any discussion surrounding brothels and consequent objectification of women, but I imagine for some disabled people they provide a solution to a need that is right up there with the provision of food, shelter, and water.
The article focusses on 25-year old Asta Philpot, who has arthogryposis, and who chose to lose his virginity at a brothel because he was fed up with the way women treated him, and the patronising attitudes prevalent throughout mainstream society.
“When I was younger I had a friend and we always used to talk about relationships. He had muscular dystrophy and passed away without having a sexual experience. Why should people struggle for that experience?”, Asta says.
There is even a voluntary group in the Netherlands who have been set up for this express purpose, to provide an element of sexual interaction within a disabled person’s life who chooses to utilise the service. But is this, as the writer contends, some form of patronising ‘charity sex’?
I think it’s important not to lump all disabled people together on this one. There are lines in the article like, “Many disabled people feel socially excluded”, and “many disabled people in the UK face sexual exclusion”, and whilst that may or may not be the case (can anecdotal evidence be proof enough to use the word ‘many’?), perpetrating those kinds of myths can in fact further stigmify prejudices surrounding disabled people and their level of sexual engagement.
To read more of the article, click here, and don’t forget to leave your thoughts below!
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could someone tell me the name of the one with long black hair that was on ONE life please, or maybe even an email adress or something (if im lucky
thanks
Sexuality is part of life, having a disability doesn't change that but attitudes do. I remember talking to a friend with a disability, she didn't let it get in the way of anything and she attend regular school like everyone else. She was really looking forward to sex ed, but what do you know, when it came up she was shipped off to sewing classes. the school obviously thought she would never need it. Well she is an old married lady now so obviously it could have come in handy. I also remember a couple who had intellectual disability, they wanted to get married, they were in love, but the only way they was if she was sterilised because IHC didn't want them to have children.
Sex is great, as someone who has been married for 25 years, it is important though I have to admit, with my disability now we have to make allowances,
so, I have no problem with people accessing prostitutes to satisfy the need.
Disability does not limit feelings and thoughts of a sexual nature, nor should.
I think one of the biggest problems facing a lot of disabled people when it comes to relationships, is not getting out or being able to go to social places.
i would deffinately advise Asta to start having carers from an agency! It's a great way of meeting woman who are used to people in wheelchairs – these woman don't see the disability, they see the person.
It's a great way of making female friends, and who knows, maybe meeting someone special. I used to be a carer and that is how i met my wonderful tetraplegic partner. And believe me, he satisfies me sexualy more than any walking man ever did!
I'm a 35 year old man with Cerebral palsy; I use to have the same problem with women. Until I met a opened-minded woman . There is nothing wrong with ladies of the night; just be careful. We human too
Having a relationship with someone, based on love and respect, is more important to me. Sex is meaningless without that. I have cerebral palsy, and am frustrated being single. I read The Secret recently as it had a chapter on building relationships. The key is thinking positively and always affirming that I will find someone to have a relationship with sometime in my life.
Have to agree with you there Allyson, a meaningfull relationship leads to better sex.
Why should someone with a disability not have the same opportunities as someone without?
I agree with Alison and would prefer a meaningful relationship myself but all people must be given the same opportunities in society to choose.
I have a dating site designed for people with a disability to meet others,able and disabled.Would love to hear your feedback on it.
Am enjoying this site.Cheers Geoff
Sorry forgot to mention site ,dating4disabled Cheers Geoff
You are so right Allyson
. Having a meanful relationship with someone that accepts us as we are is brilliant!
I believe having that someone special, and talking about what you like and what you don't like in sex is pretty important. I mean, we do have our limitations in our movements and yet taking time to experiment with a partner or boyfriend who adores us is definitely the way to go.
I used to have a lot more flexibility with my legs but I don't have much of that now. So basically the choice is ours to make. Do we just give up and stop what we enjoy doing? Nope! Never do that! Communictation is very important. Never stop communicating with your boyfriend or partner the language of love and how you feel about it, cause some way or another things can happen just the way it should be.
I believe that the more we share our views on the issue of sex, the more open we get in expressing ourselves.
I remember when my ex partner had asked my mum, what would happen if I got pregnant, and my mum's reply was, how can I get pregnant? … I had to giggle. Now I didn't get mad at my mum, but kinda told her that I know I'm disabled but at the same time I do have feelings and I kinda like having sex! She totally freaked out! lol. I guess her thoughts were rather shallow thinking that here is a man who loves her daughter and that he will take care of her and nothing else. Our families, our friends and the public needs to be educated and we are the ones to do that! We need to verbally voice our thoughts and hey it's ok to do that. No matter what sort of disabilities we have, no one has the right to stop us from expressing ourselves when it comes to talking about sex, or wanting to have sex for that matter
.
i'm a quadriplegic virtually all my life.
how women will treat you depends a lot on your character, attitude and charm. also it depends on women you hang around with.
brothels are cool if you like it. but, not as the only option for disabled.
there are two kinds of people – open-minded and close-minded.
honestly, UK women are far from great whether you're disabled or an AB.
thank God, UK has got a great choice of ladies from whole globe. not to mention cheap plane tickets to czech, hungary, spain. 
heres his myspace myspace.com/titaniumonkey for those looking to get intouch with shah
But let's not forget those meaningless, shallow, unfulfilling, stifling, better-forgotten encounters that remind us how great being single really is
'scuse me for pasting another copy in once more to get the typeseting fixed up – please feel free to delete whatever just doesn't work -
In all my 35yrs, deep, deep, down, I'm sorry, but I just cannot understand the real issues here regarding sex applying carte blanche to all crips really. Um, I've read material on the so-called issue 'til it comes out my ears, but I just don't quite get it. Sure, I've been as lonely and as frustrated as hell at occasional times in my life, but … um … ain't that just coz I'm human? I think the issue is quite tainted by a natural curiousity that, in effect, has us revisiting it over and over and over again, wondering just what is the issue. Make no mistake, though, the practicalities, and the emotions, can all be tough. Tougher for some more than others, I guess.
Who wants someone who only looks at the surface? And surely, once you're with someone, working things out is half the fun.
Twenty years, changing legislation in the NZ case, and "they're" still going on about prostitutes… I need a lie down. Yawn. I'm just plain bored and wanna doze off. Seriously, though, perhaps harping over matters physical and logistical and on public acceptance is a good way to sometimes avoid a concurrent maintaining of emotional growth and maturity. I do respect though, that this is kind of blaming the victim in the circumstances when such growth and maturity has never been an issue. As in the whole population, we're all different.
I personally understand very well that stage of just wanting a quick bonk, and it has scared me for years that I may be turning into a puritanical old sour pus ('scuse the awful pun), but I thoroughly appreciate the comments of Ian Kemmish and Alpha Beta after the original article. I now would agree that it is a strange form of self-confidence that Asta talks about receiving from sex workers. When younger, it made sense to me for others to think in Asta's way too, but the visceral reaction I had when hearing someone I loved spout the same beliefs while looking right past me, had me questioning far too much about my own feelings that I pretended didn't matter. Amongst very complex emotions that at that stage I couldn't make head nor tails over, I hated the thought that I was just being some judgmental and moralistic old prude.
Another friend of mine used to tease me about how I could use prostitutes, as he had seen a girl on TV with CP testify to doing this. Outside I would laugh, inside, I felt like I was crumbling to bits. No, it wasn't me moralising, I was just hurt that apparently, I wouldn't be enough.
In turn, I'd be very turned off if approached by someone who reckons he's acquired his confidence with women through using prostitutes. It sounds bizzare right now as I type it out, but that was the rationale that friends have tried to argue.
Today, wherever anything is legal, however, I'd still maintain that crips have just as much right to be as dopey as the next sucker. Could it be said that there is a lack in recognizing that just like everyone else, we need access to guidance in caring about the emotional wellbeing of ourselves and others? This maybe even moreso when someone's sexuality is underacknowledged – any understanding of our sexuality surely must include our potential to impact on others. For those seeming to look for whatever they'd regard as greater awareness and understanding, I hope they never give up looking both ways.
But, I guess I could ease up in my commentary, noting Asta's age.
Cheers – this site is a great easing into disability guff that I know I've had to approach at my own level – and no more – for so long.
My writing last night could have been taking as fraught with contradiction and drawing a few long bows too. It's just my rash and laxed treatment now of a lot of what I know can take up so much time before getting one's head around it. I've stopped all that reading years ago, and life just became so much fuller for different reasons – I come back into disability matters, and bang, what people are concerned about kinda, well, made me sad.
I've done a bit of reading on how confused one gets too, when one grows up with lotsa people always insisting that they know what your feelings are, even better than you do. We can protest all we want about this, and run from it, but the ramifications when this happens early on a lot in our development takes understanding in order to subdue, I think. This can also affect what we encounter when broaching intimacy, if we let it. I've seen so many damned defences go up, again, that's extremely sad to witness too.
When I said above about an impact on others, I wasn't really following on from the other experiences I mentioned. Of course no one can be ultimately reponible for every little contingency in the way others may react in any given situation. What I was trying to mention was more to do with how, during sexual expression, the individuals are entrusting each other with what maybe some of the most vulnerable aspects of what makes them whoever they are.
perhaps a little outta synch,
k
I am hugely hopeful that someday disabillity will not be lead people to being excluded in any arena of life, whether it be travel, career, or skydiving! but the term 'sexual exclusion" is one that is incrediably contentious, what im hearing here is that disabled men are being 'excluded' from a god given right that is the 'right' to a womens body. of course i dont think disabled men should be excluded from the sex trade, any other man willing to pay for this 'right' is able to. but being disabled does NOT make the use of prostitues less troublesome. in fact the discussion here is worse, when an able bodied man uses a prostitue he might be described as sleezy, but you are all talking about it as completely unproblematic. it is unfortunate that sexual relationships are so often initially formed by superficial attractions, but this is nature. I realise that life can be hard for those who are disabled myself included. I also advocatae strongly that social prejudices are overcome, but unfortunatly not getting sex is not being discrimated against. sex is a relationship between two people, not a right. It is also always the discussion of disabled mens 'right', it is a shame if many women seek men who are not disabled. instead of saying oh well lets get a womens body by paying for it, i think it is important not only to continue pushing for legal changes so disabled people are not publicly discriminated, bit also social changes so that eventually people really truely always will see beyond a disabillity.
the question seems absurd! of course it is alright for a disabled man to use a prostitue. I think it is a good service. i do hear comments about this not being fair on the prostitue because she has to have sex with a disabled person. BUT no one makes them, It has to understood that for a prostitue when they are working the sex is a service it is WORK. they are providing a service, part of that is playing a role and meeting the needs of a client,. in this way prostitution is a unique service, this is because sex (even the extremely casual kind) is a relationship, Prostitution is a fake version of that relationship, she has to be profssional and play the desiring women and pretend to enjoy, actually she would most likely rather be watching t.v, in this way its not really that different to anyother service job, but rather pretend to enjoy it as well as engage in meeting client needs such as a role of bank advisor. So it is fine for disabled men to use prostitues, for alot this fake version of sexual relationship (it is real sex, but fake relationship, because of the professional service aspect) is a great option. infact i think it should be funed(only for those men who need it and prehaps meet some critera).sex is complecated it is about seduction and dersie, not many women are desiring for disabled men, especially those born with inherent impairments. the only type of desire they might receive, as explained is fake. it is this that offends society about prostitution the fake and immoral sexual relationship, But this is unfair, if a person has to have a leg amputated they would get a fake one, so if a person is not sexually desirable they should be allowed to recieve fake sexual desire.
Prostitution offers a important aspect to disabled mens lives, they should certainly not be excluded from it.
[...] Life: For One Night Only” last night, featuring a group of disabled British guys (including Asta Philpot) as they journey to Spain to experience a ‘normal’ sex life… in a [...]
I have Epilepsy and was dating a woman who I met through the Epilepsy Society's Support Group. When her Dad found out we were becoming more than just friends, he told me to stay away from her. She wanted her own place but her Dad wouldn't let her. She wanted to get a job but her Dad wouldn't let her. When she went to a doctor's appointment, she called me afterwards and came to my place where we made out. She told her Dad she's an adult and he can't control her life. But he did… he called the police because legally, he'd told me to stay away from her. All it took was my admitting that she and I were in love and yes we did more than just kissing, to be classed a sex offender. Even though I had her consent and she wanted to marry me someday, all the law cares about is the fact that her Dad had told me to stay away from her. I had to appear in court where the Judge said that people with disabilities are allowed to be friends but that's all. But I crossed the line by having sex with her. I'm now on Probation and not allowed to have any contact with her. The Law prohibits people with disabilities from being anything more than just friends. Now you wonder why so many are in jail?